Humanity. We are imperfect; we make mistakes; we hurt those around us; we even hurt those we love. Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s not. How can we maintain healthy relationships if we carry a lot of pain and baggage? Honestly, some of us can’t. Some resort to divorce or separation, some are absorbed by lamenting broken relationships, and others protect themselves with distance or silence. What’s to be done?

Forgiveness.

We think of it as virtuous, but do we really understand what forgiveness is, what is represents, and what it looks like? I believe there are a lot of misconceptions out there.

Some people think you have to forget in order to forgive. Unless you experience brain damage or suffer memory lapses, you won’t forget. However, the opposite may be true. Perhaps the offense plays over and over in your mind and you fixate on it. Forgiveness is a willful act that relies on your recollection of an event followed by a decision about what to do with it.

Forgiveness is not an informal pardon or a judge’s decree for absolution and it does not mean the offender is free from consequence. It does not mean you are granting a release from guilt, responsibility, or punishment. It has nothing to do with what the offender deserves for his or her actions.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It has nothing to do with playing nice together and it has nothing to do with how the relationship may, or may not, continue. More precisely, reconciliation comes later if/when both parties can forgive each other and come to a mutual understanding over a situation, but it does not equate to forgiveness. Reconciliation comes after forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not condoning an action. It has nothing to do with looking the other way or failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a satisfaction that may come when someone gets what you believe they might deserve. Causality rules our lives; people reap what they sow. We should not gain pleasure from someone else’s negative consequences.

Forgiveness is not weakness. It does not mean you let people walk all over you. And it certainly does not mean that you allow the offender to continue to wrong you in the same manner time and time again.

So then, what is forgiveness?

I believe forgiveness is a conscious decision, a concerted effort to release negative thoughts about a person and any vengeful feelings you may hold towards them after they have done something wrong to you. Forgiveness is not natural, it is willful. You must decide to do it even when you don’t feel like it. At times, we hold so tightly to our bitterness and anger against someone who has offended us. It’s curious that sometimes they don’t even know what they’ve done or how we feel. So who is really suffering?

Forgiveness is freedom. When you hold tightly to bitter feelings and vindictive thoughts, you are in bondage to them; they control you. It is unhealthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. To forgive is to be free and to be empowered to move on.

Forgiveness is also good for your health! Everybody knows somebody who is consumed with anger over some situation; it eats at them; it makes them less. These people typically aren’t very fun to be around. Medical studies have even been done about forgiveness, or the lack thereof, and its physical side effects. Here is an article from the Mayo Clinic website that I found interesting.

So if forgiveness is good for us, why do we have such a hard time with it? It’s not easy to let go. It’s contrary to our fleshly sin-nature.

But what about the worst case scenarios, offenses that irrevocably change the course of your life? Honestly, there are things that people do to other people in which forgiveness is extremely difficult, some may even say impossible. Does forgiveness for something so bad exist?

Forgiveness is a willful act that goes against what the flesh desires. The flesh desires revenge and seeks to hurt those who have caused us pain. If that was the way of every relationship, I can’t imagine anybody having friends or loved ones.

I believe it does. But I believe it can only be found within the love and grace of Jesus Christ. After all, He is the author of forgiveness. He bore all, to forgive all, and save all. Think of all humanity’s worst atrocities: genocides, wars, trafficking… the list, unfortunately, goes on and on.

The bottom line is that we are called to forgive those who offend us, no matter the degree of the offense, because Christ first forgave us; He was the perfect model. Before any one of us living on this planet right now was ever born, Jesus died for us and now offers forgiveness for our sins. Think about that―forgiveness for every single sin we would ever commit, no matter how big or small, before we had even been born. That sounds like a pretty good deal. It seems the least we can do is follow in the footsteps and words of Christ and forgive others when they offend us.